Friday, September 5, 2014

when feet won't dance

it has been three months since i've opened up this space to type a single word,
one of the months was filled with chaos in getting ready to come to uganda to meet our son,
one month was filled with traveling - planes, cars, feet - orphanages and court rooms and dirt roads,
and this past month has been me wanting to write, to tell this story, but not having the strength.

there aren't enough tears to tell it- or the story of any of these little ones - really.
i'm not sure what to say of this adoption.
do i admit the doubts? the darkest nights? this selfish, ugly heart?
do i lie? do i say it was love at first sight, the happiest of babies, the best of friends?

it was fully God. that much i know. 
He was there, nudging, when i saw this boy's face in a picture on my phone for the first time - 
gripping my heart with a whisper - he's yours.
He was there as we sat rigid, him and i both - looking at each other and crying.

this adoption? oh my friends - it has been hard. 
imagine a child who does not want comfort from you, but only from food.
a child who pitifully wails when down, but grows hysterical when up.
a child you prayed so long for, and now you want to cover your ears and guard your heart.

as congratulations poured in from friends and family,
i wanted to shrink away and curl up in a corner.
what do you do when your feet won't dance,
and you sit as still as can be wondering what in the world you've done?

but oh He's a God of redemption.
He truly is.
after five weeks zion put his head on my shoulder for the first time.
after six weeks i kissed him and really meant it.

we've been together nine weeks now, and so much has changed.
he sits on my hip, waiting contently for a bottle he knows will come.
i feel sincere love when i look into his eyes. he is happy with me.
when the officer placed that visa in my hand, i cried from overwhelming joy.

we spent our time in the trenches,
him with shoulders carrying so much loss.
but every sunday we went to church and sang
"your love has taken chains off me."

it will take time and healing to tell all that has happened here,
but it starts with this:
zion, you are a treasured son.
because of you, i've seen miracles happen.





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